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Love Parasocial

from Codex Obscura by Codex Obscura

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lyrics

i've had friends who i have stayed up with on the phone on a work night all night long
listening to them cry as they fall asleep so they don't feel alone in their misery
i have friends who i have bought clothes and food for when i could not afford to feed myself at work
and i've had friends who i have spent weeks talking down while i was having thoughts of my own

but i never asked for a single thing in return but their friendship
and i didn't give a fuck about keeping score
i knew that they needed help more than i did
and i felt that this is what it meant to be a friend

i always say i have support when someone asks
but the truth is that i keep it to myself
i hate the thought of inconveniencing friends when they already have so much going on
but now i need their help more than ever
now i feel i have no one i can ask

why is it okay to fucking treat me this way?

i cannot imagine hearing someone that i call a best friend telling me they're afraid to be alone
and turning my back and ridiculing them for not being their best when they're turning to stone
i never want to be a fucking parasite but i might have to admit that it's alright having to be a little bit selfish sometimes when i need a hand holding up my head when i don't think i can

you acknowledge what i'm going through
but you don't seem to understand
don't expect me to ever put myself out for you again

the damage that you've done is irreversible
and i'm doing my best to see it from your side and understand
but the face of death has been looming just in front of me
and god dammit it changes your perspective just a little bit and reminds you of what you're capable of doing for the ones that you love

i just want to provide
i just want to be there
i just want to be me
i just want this to end

credits

from Codex Obscura, released October 20, 2022

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Codex Obscura North Carolina

i am a depressed meat robot that outputs deathcore about how bad i feel all of the time. i write and record all the music, and most unfortunately, i engineer it as well.

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